Photo credit: Max Cooper
Tell us about your tour vehicle. Any notable breakdown stories?
It’s a 2014 Ford Econoline 15-passenger van. The tried and true, standard deluxe.
Years ago, we ran out of gas (in a different but comparable van) smack dab in the middle of Death Valley. Hours of intense heat and desperation had us rationing snacks, sipping water and preparing for the worst. Thank goodness the fine folks at AAA came to the rescue.
How do you eat cheaply and/or healthy while on tour?
Your question implies this is something I do.
How many strings do you break in a typical year? How much does it cost to replace them?
Maybe two or three a year. Thankfully we have a Jim Dunlop endorsement deal, so the cost is free. I even have my own custom banjo strings sent to me, pro bono!
Where do you rehearse?
Your question implies we rehearse. We just sort of work up songs at sound-checks.
What was the title and a sample lyric from the first song that you wrote?
“Shakerag Holler”
Pin-striped creases, like the angled cut
Of JD’s jib, ride the sharkskins up
To the shiny black specs that all but
Hide his eyes rolling sunny side up.
Describe your first gig.
After a teen talent show at Clay Campbell’s Kentucky Opry, a local music scout plucked me from the waddling hordes of an exiting crowd. He said he worked for the county tourism board and was putting together an act. He had already assembled a quartet of singers to entertain the Lakes’-area campers–sort of modern-day, non-racist minstrel show he called The Popularity Showboat.
It was not an actual boat, but a land-based traveling show. However, his troupe of teenagers did sing broad renditions of bawdy old river tunes. The fellas wore top hats & bowties, and the gals danced the can-can in petticoats & garters. Instead of snake oil, they handed out Kentucky Lake travel brochures…a cute little gimmick, I thought. Despite their tight act, however, they were still in need of a “sideshow distraction” during the costume changes. That’s where I would come in.
I was to “keep ‘em happy” with my bluesy harmonica stylings as the singers ducked off stage, slipped out of their dark waistcoats and into their slightly-darker waistcoats. And so I agreed and without a single rehearsal off I sailed with The Popularity Showboat. My first professional gig ever!
Interestingly, our first show was not to entertain the sun-kist campers along the Lakes. No, not that day. We were headed deep into the dark heart of the Kentucky State Penitentiary.
“Cool!” I thought. O, but little did I know!
The gates yawned wide to welcome us with iron teeth. Armed guards scowled down from the looming stone turrets where razor-wire snaggled about. The summer sunlight vanished as The Showboat tour van plunged into the deepening darkness of the castle’s tunneled underbelly …only to reemerge at a checkpoint booth above ground. Here we exited the van and received our orders not to fraternize with the prisoners.
“Just do your show and get the hell out,” the guard advised.
We were then escorted to an outdoor pavilion; a sort of covered picnic area in the middle of the courtyard.
Four stone towers cornered the prison’s inner quad. Along the connecting upper decks chain gangs in color-coded jumpsuits marched at gunpoint. I made sure not to look anyone in the eye, as advised. Thankfully the prisoners seemed more interested in the can-can girls than me. At last the show was starting, so I readied myself for my cue. A crowd of small-time offenders looked on from picnic tables just yards away.
“Yeeehaw!” yelled the jailbirds every time a shapely leg kicked from beneath a crinoline. Yes, they were ornery but, on average, relatively civil. Prison guards looked on with blank stares.
Then came MY TURN.
As I stepped forward to play the virgin notes of my first ever paid performance, I felt the slightest tinge of stage fright. Suddenly, I had zero confidence in my ability to entertain and I panicked. Every note seemed to fall flat. And let’s be honest, unaccompanied harmonica can be annoying even when it’s played well. So I freaked.
I scanned the crowd and spotted a certain African-American inmate who just so happened to be holding a guitar (I guess he was “small time” enough to be trusted with one.) So I called him up to jam. He nodded, walked up and the two of us started our own pickin’ party right in front of everybody. It was like “Ebony and Ivory”…but in prison!
Well, suffice it to say, this did not sit well with the Aryan Brotherhood. A group of skinheads got up and staged a mass walk-off in protest of such racial harmony. All at once voices were mumbling, guards were hollering, walkie-talkies were blaring, shivs were sharpening…and we were in trouble. Right before a riot could’ve broken out, we were scooped up and shoved back into our van. Yep. That’s all, folks! The Popularity Showboat was pulling up anchor and sailing for home. But not before I got the tongue-lashing of a lifetime from “the screws.” In retrospect, I guess I’m lucky to be alive.
Back at a Marshall County Pizza Hut, my dad pulled in to pick me up from my first gig.
“How’d it go?” he asked.
“I got fired for almost inciting a race war.”
He goes, “Well, supper’s almost ready.”
What was your last day job? What was your favorite day job?
My last day job was floor clerk at Katy K’s Ranch Dressing. It was a western wear store in Nashville that outfitted country musicians in cool-looking cowboy clothes. That was probably my favorite day job, although driving for the Nashville Auto Auction was kinda fun too.
How has your music-related income changed over the past 5-10 years? What do you expect it to look like 5-10 years from now?
Your question implies I possess a capacity for financial planning.
What one thing do you know now that you had wished you knew when you started your career in music?
Remember kids: In all aspects of life on Earth, hierarchies are comprised of bullies at the top. Without flattery, schmooze and shameless transactions, your talent and hard work will only get you so far.
Learn how to steal ideas and run roughshod over friends.
And learn how to virtue-signal! To the trusting, this skill will cloak your depravity. Yet to the savvy few with which you wish to forge false alliances, your cunning is conveniently telegraphed.
Follow these instructions, be rich and attractive, and enjoy the quickly evaporating spoils of the American Music Biz!